Helping a Friend Who’s in an Abusive Relationship

Is Someone You Know Being Abused or is Someone You Love Hurting You? If you are experiencing domestic violence it can be very hard to know what to do, where to go, who to turn to. We understand and want you to know that we value you as a person, and want to help you and your children to be able to live in safety, without fear. We also know that it is difficult to decide when to do something about your situation. Only you know when the time is right. We are here to help you by providing information and contacts to people and agencies that can help when you decide to take action.

Here are a few ways you can help a friend that is being abused:

Listen to their story and believe them.
Hold what you are told in confidence.
Encourage your friend to think about safety. Help your friend make concrete plans that deal with the most likely “what ifs.”
Reach out to a domestic violence program.

The following sections of our site contain information you might find helpful. If you can do so safely, we encourage you to browse this information. If you are in danger, we urge you to instead contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline
at: 1-800-799-7233, or contact us locally at: 1-800-782-6400. We can help!

How Do I Know if I’m in an Abusive Relationship?

Domestic Violence is a pattern of coercive control that one person exercises over another. Abusers use physical and sexual violence, threats, emotional insults and economic deprivation as a way to dominate their partners and get their way. Relationships in which one partner uses assault and coercion can be found among married and unmarried heterosexuals, lesbians, and gay males. Battering is a behavior that physically harms, arouses fear, prevents an individual from doing what she/he wishes of forces her/him to behave in ways she/he does not want to.

Warning Signs That You May Be in an Abusive Relationship

Verbal Abuse: Coercion, Threats and Blaming: threatening to hurt or kill you, your children or pets, name calling, yelling or telling you you are unattractive or undesirable.
Intimidation: making you afraid by using looks, actions, gestures, smashing things, destroying property, abusing pets or displaying weapons.
Emotional Abuse: putting you down, making you feel bad about yourself, calling you names, making you think you’re crazy, playing mind games, humiliating you or making you feel guilty.
Economic Abuse: preventing you from getting or keeping a job, making you ask for money, giving you an allowance, taking your money or letting you know about or have access to family income.
Isolation: controlling what you do, who you see or talk to, what you read, where you go, limiting your outside involvement or using jealousy to justify actions.
Using Male Privilege: treating you like a servant, making all the big decisions, acting like ‘master of the castle’, being the one to define men’s and women’s roles.
Using Children: making you feel guilty about the children, using children to relay messages, using visitation to harass you, threatening to take the children away.
Minimizing, Denying and Blaming: making light of abuse and not taking your concerns about it seriously, saying abuse didn’t happen, shifting responsibility for abusive behavior or saying you caused it.

How is Your Relationship?

Does your partner…

Embarrass you with bad names and put-downs?
Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
Control what you do, who you see or talk to, or where you go?
Stop you from seeing or talking to friends or family?
Take your money or Social Security, make you ask for money, or refuse to give you money?
Tell you you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?
Make all the decisions?
Act like the abuse is no big deal, it’s your fault, or even deny doing it?
Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
Intimidate you with guns, knives, or other weapons?
Shove you, slap you, or hit you?
Force you to drop charges?
Threaten to commit suicide?
Threaten to kill you?

If you you answered yes to even one of the above questions, you may be in an abusive relationship.
If you need to talk, call us: (602) 279-2900 or (800) 782-6400

Teen Dating Violence

The information in this section is for teen dating violence, in order help you understand more about teen abuse.What is teen dating violence?It is what happens in a teen dating relationship when one person uses physical or emotional or sexual abuse to gain power and keep control over the other person. What do we know about teen dating violence?

Studies show that at least one in five teens will be in an abusive relationship.
It’s not easy to leave an abusive relationship at any age. It’s even harder for teens to leave abusive relationships because of fewer resources and uninformed adults who think it’s ‘just two kids fighting.’
Abuse happens in all different kinds of relationships, including same sex / same gender relationships.
Teen dating violence can happen to anyone, no matter what their race or where they live.

For Info on Teen Dating Violence Call the Teen Line at (602) 248-8336

• 1 in 5 teens will be in an abusive relationship. Learn the warning signs and what to do. The seeitandstopit.org website is a great place to start. We’ve also collected info on Teen Dating Violence which you may find helpful. The Facts:

Between 10 and 25 percent of girls between the ages of 15 and 24 will be victims of rape or attempted rape. In more than half of those cases, the attacker is someone the girl goes out with.
Girls are not the only ones who are abused physically or emotionally in relationships. Boys also experience abuse, especially psychological abuse. Boys rarely are hurt physically in relationships, but when it happens it’s often severe. Boys can also be pressured or forced into unwanted sex, by girls or other boys.
Approximately 20% of high school girls have reported being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner.
40% of teenage girls age 14-17 report knowing someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend.
20% of female homicide victims are between15 and 24 years of age.
The Justice Department found that women ages 16 to 24 are the most likely victims of intimate partner violence.
Violence happens in same-sex relationships too. When it does, gay and lesbian teenagers often don’t know where to turn for help. If they are not comfortable telling people that they’re gay, that makes the situation even harder.
Teen dating violence can happen to anyone no matter where they live or what kind of home they come from.
It is hard to leave an abusive relationship at any age. Victims need support, safety and assistance in order to leave.

View the ACESDV Teen Dating Violence Special Report

Warning Signs

Controlling you
Insulting you
Scaring you
Hurting you
Excessive jealousy
Uncontrollable anger
Threatening suicide if you want to break up
Not allowing you to go out with your friends
Telling you how to dress, act or think
Accusing you of flirting
Blaming you for violence
Pulling hair
Threatening to find someone else
Making all the decisions
Following you around
Destroying letters, gifts or other possessions
Forcing sex

Dating Bill of Rights

I Have the Right:

To ask for date
To refuse a date
To be treated with respect always
To choose and keep my friends
To tell my partner when I need affection
To refuse affection
To change my mind – at any time
To leave a relationship
To be treated as an equal
To refuse sex at any time for any reason

I Have the Responsibility:

To determine my limits and values
To communicate clearly and honestly
To ask for help when I need it
To not humiliate or demean my boyfriend or girlfriend
To refuse to abuse – physically, emotionally or sexually
To take care of myself
To respect myself and my boyfriend or girlfriend
To allow my boyfriend or girlfriend to maintain their individuality
To be honest with each other
To set high goals.

Ten Questions To Ask Yourself...

Answer these ten questions in order to determine if your
relationship is abusive.
1. Are you afraid of the person you’re going out with?
2. Are they jealous, possessive, constantly checking up on you?
3. Do they call you names, embarrass you in front of your friends?
4. Do they say that you are nothing without them?
5. Do they scare you, threaten you?
6. Do you feel forced into sexual activity?
7. Does the person you’re going out with abuse alcohol or other drugs and pressure you to use?
8. Is the person you’re dating nice and sweet some times and really mean at other times?
9. Do they make promises to change abusive behavior? Do they minimize the harm they do to you? Do they blame you?
10. Does the person you’re dating make your family and friends uneasy and concerned for your safety?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions you could be in an abusive relationship.

You may want to learn more about teen dating violence and safety planning. If you need to talk, call the Teen Lifeline at
(602) 248-8336 or (800) 782-6400